then there was another period of my life, after i got responsible and moved out but didn't have much in the way of time or financial obligations. i was single, alone, with my own schedule, my own budget, my own everything. i didn't watch tv because i only had a very small tv and no cable. i lived in a great apartment with a balcony right over the river. i slept on the futon in the living room because i liked it better than the bed in the bedroom. i almost never spent time in the bedroom. it was more like a guest room. i would take my bike along the bike path, or ride the couple blocks to my work to use the computer there, since i didn't have one at home. i'd play command and conquer for hours in the evening with no one else at the office. looking out the window of my fourth story office, down at the river, the park, and the street lights shining their circles of light onto the ground below. on the weekends i had one friend who i would hang out with all weekend, from Friday night to Sunday night. we drank a lot of beer, sang a lot of karaoke, and took a lot of road trips. i miss those times. that guy is now marrying my high school girlfriend. he and i don't talk anymore.
jeremiah is my only real friend now. he didn't like me much after hearing about some of the dumb shit i did a while back, but when i called him and wanted to see him, he decided to come over and see me. i told him i was buying a bike and from then on we were friends. he changed his mind about me. we used to ride at night in the summertime, downtown. he would come over around eight or nine and we would ride, sometimes until two in the morning. one night we rode for nine hours straight. now i have work and class and a fiancee at home and i can't do those things anymore. i love my fiancee and i will do anything to make her happy but i miss being able to do that.
xandria shit all over the house before we woke up this morning. my dog kept us up all night with her faux vomiting. it's where she hacks like she has a hairball, then it sounds and looks like she's vomiting, but nothing comes out and it looks like she swallows it back down. she was doing that all night.
it's cloudy and rainy outside. fitting. tandra's back window won't roll up. that's ass in the cold and rain. neither of our brake lights work and she has bald front tires, also bad in the rain.
when i was in high school and for about three years after that, music meant everything to me. music was my release, my escape. music helped me forget about the shit in my life. appreciating the beauty in music helped me realize that no matter what was going on, life has inherent beauty. you just have to find it. then for a few years my life became happy (or busy) enough that i didn't require that retreat, that escape. the music i listened to changed to happier, more upbeat music. music that didn't require as much attention to listen to. background music, as opposed to music that when you listen to it, becomes the only thing in the world that exists. i find i need more of that music again recently.
i'm happy with my life. yeah, right, you say. doesn't sound that way. i'm just too nostalgic for my own good. after high school, after i broke up with my high school girlfriend (the one my ex-friend is now marrying), i lost a lot of friends. in high school i had a decent sized group of friends. after high school, they weren't there anymore. it was very hard for me to deal with. i associate the forest gump theme song with the feeling of sadness i had during that time of missing my friends. now i'm moving out of another time of my life where i really treasured my friends, and it is hurting again.
that's the nature of life though, isn't it? life is nothing but change, constant change. nothing stays the same, nothing can. the universe is too fluid. like water. one particle never stays next to another. it's always swirling. such is life. i think marriage, for some people, may be their way of seeking shelter against this aspect of life. actually all (healthy and functional) families are able to survive this aspect of life.
am i seeing the rest of my life? is my destiny to always struggle for a better paying job so i can support my family? will the meaning of my life be lost in the day to day fight to do what's "right"? to be "responsible"? to fulfill my "obligations"? where is my satisfaction? where is my feeling of contentment?
it's starting to be clear to me. i am not happy. i need a change. i don't like cleaning up after kids and dogs. i don't like rushing around to get ready every morning and being late to work. i don't like going to class two nights a week and doing homework all weekend. i don't like constantly worrying about money and all the things i don't have. i don't like my lower-middle class quality of life. i don't like having two cars that don't work right. i don't like getting up early every day just to conform to the work hours that the rest of the world seems to have dictated. i don't like wearing my "correct" clothes to work every day.
i like taking pictures and road trips. i like listening to music. i like spending time with my baby, especially when she's happy. i like living in a house with only one family in it. i like riding my bike along the river or through the empty downtown streets on a summer night. i like solitude. i even like writing, kind of.
i want to experience the world. and not when i'm retired. i want to see everywhere. i want to try all different kinds of living experiences. i'm feeling like i'm ready to move on from this one.
when i was younger i had this theory that spending 40 hours a week working for what you got during the rest of your week was too much of a sacrifice. i moved out of that frame of mind when i got my first job doing what i wanted to be doing. i made enough money to move out and buy a bike and do what i wanted on the evenings and weekends, and it was worth it to me. now i have almost no time to do what i want to do, and the sacrifice is getting to the point that it's not worth it again.
i feel like i'm not made for what my life is right now. i feel like the life i've created for myself isn't what i'm meant to be doing. but when i try to think of what it is i am supposed to be doing, i feel like i'm peering into a black hole. i'm smart, so i need a college degree. i'm extremely computer and internet oriented, so i should be a web designer. which i am. and i love doing it. i just don't like the hours or the clothes or the politics. i have kids and a fiancee to think about, so i should have a job with health benefits and that pays enough for us to live in a decent neighborhood and have cars to get around in. my life is so fucking suburban. it's not like i could just get rid of my car and take the el-train to work, or the subway. i couldn't live in a one bedroom apartment in a large old building in a metro area. our city isn't designed to support that kind of life. if you live here, you must have a car to get around. it's like a giant suburb. there aren't markets and train stops within walking distance. i can't just think about myself. myself, i've ridden my bike to work in the rain or walked in the snow. i can't allow for that with a family to think about. i can't just drop what i'm doing and go for a bike ride. i've got class, or homework, or i have to help watch the kids, or cook dinner.
my life is too busy and complicated. i need to simplify. tremendously. i need to henry david thoreau myself. some part of myself is being neglected. i want to pick up my camera and just travel all over the place and see the country. will anyone pay me a fine salary to do that? i think not.
i feel like i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing, not what i want to do.