I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy (busychild424) wrote,
I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy
busychild424

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i'm entitled to a sad day now and then.

"you're just having a rotten day. tough it out. you'll feel better tomorrow." that's what i would tell myself if i were someone else having this day. to which i respond, what, just like every other day? because i allow myself today to think what i usually pretend doesn't exist every other day? my sad day sucks because it's sad, but i am letting myself see what i usually push away.

i feel like my cubicle is made of glass. no, glass is too cold and hard. i feel like this is an illusion. a ghost. i can see right through all of this and it has no meaning. i see through the walls and tables and chairs in my classroom and i see through the walls at home into the neighbor's house. i see through the poop and the broken cars and the dogs who are either incontinent or too young to know better. i don't see through lakes and rivers and forests and waterfalls and hills and mountains and falling leaves and old car graveyards and the open road stretching out in front of me as far as i can see. those things are solid because they are real to me. i don't see through my baby because she is my strength. she understands. i don't see through my computer because it has some redeeming qualities. it's allowing me to get this out. it's playing counting crows for me. it's allowing me to e-mail with my sweetheart. it's also earning my living, the part i don't mind.

i want to follow the samples like people used to follow the dead. maybe i can get a vw bus and a manual on how to fix it when it dies. and sell something. to samples fans. because there are so many of them. a bed in the van and a ymca in the next town. i just need gas money to get to the next place.

but i'm far too responsible to do that. i don't make sudden decisions like that anymore. i sit and think through the consequences. i'm an adult and i don't think i like it much.
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