when my brakes start squeaking after I just spent an ungodly amount of my resources fixing them just a little while ago, it makes me want to drive the car off a cliff. There's always SOMETHING wrong with my car.
I won't though because I can't live without my car.
things that annoy me: when doors slam when things spill when I lose things (anything) being mocked a messy house not having a washing machine when the trash people don't take the big cardboard boxes obviously labeled TRASH piped smooth jazz
looking forward to: working on the kitchen cabinet tonight (I get to use my drill. I don't know why I love using my drill, I just do.) getting it done and paint drying and cleaning up the kitchen buying a washing machine & dryer chicago asking for a ridiculous raise getting rings
I miss: not fighting my doggy my brother, kinda the good old days biking
I love: anything to do with racing cars my fiancee and her kids my family my doggy my car stereo my PS2 computers in general head scratches building things fixing things eddie izzard
I hate: fighting stupid people stupid people who drive cars stupid people who drive mini-vans getting bitched at all damn day being in debt
things I think are strange: girl logic (oxymoron) sea anemones houndstooth cribbage
good ideas: window air conditioners with remote controls contact lenses cars rain-x a hot bath
I remember a time when I was compassionate. I remember when the death of someone close to me made me think about life and everything, and for a time (during and after the grief process) life itself was beautiful. I saw the inherent beauty in life's little things. I cared how my actions and words affected others. I philosophized. I had great deep meaningful conversations with people. I FELT. I KNEW. I was in touch with every part of myself and, I felt, with the whole world. Life seemed very simple. I still struggled with materialism, but I was very poor at the time, and simplicity was good for me. The absence of life's distractions allowed me the time to be at peace.
That version of me isn't around anymore. I am not strong enough to choose simplicity over materialism. I am not disciplined enough to choose meditation over distraction. I no longer feel warm and fuzzy or in touch with the world or anything else like that. I've become cold and calloused and my life revolves around those things which distract me from what is probably truly important. And it's not like I've had to endure all sorts of unfair hardship or abuse or anything, the world didn't make me cold. I don't know what caused it. I don't know why I'm defensive and uncaring. I don't know why I don't want to talk anymore. I get grumpy too easily. I'm easily irritated. (emotionally unstable?) I'm controlling and stingy and not affectionate.
confused