June 18th, 2002

(no subject)

when my brakes start squeaking after I just spent an ungodly amount of my resources fixing them just a little while ago, it makes me want to drive the car off a cliff. There's always SOMETHING wrong with my car.

I won't though because I can't live without my car.

what the hell, I'm not getting any work done.

things that annoy me:
when doors slam
when things spill
when I lose things (anything)
being mocked
a messy house
not having a washing machine
when the trash people don't take the big cardboard boxes obviously labeled TRASH
piped smooth jazz

looking forward to:
working on the kitchen cabinet tonight (I get to use my drill. I don't know why I love using my drill, I just do.)
getting it done and paint drying and cleaning up the kitchen
buying a washing machine & dryer
asking for a ridiculous raise
getting rings

I miss:
not fighting
my doggy
my brother, kinda
the good old days

I love:
anything to do with racing cars
my fiancee and her kids
my family
my doggy
my car stereo
my PS2
computers in general
head scratches
building things
fixing things
eddie izzard

I hate:
stupid people
stupid people who drive cars
stupid people who drive mini-vans
getting bitched at all damn day
being in debt

things I think are strange:
girl logic (oxymoron)
sea anemones

good ideas:
window air conditioners with remote controls
contact lenses
a hot bath

Where am I?

I remember a time when I was compassionate. I remember when the death of someone close to me made me think about life and everything, and for a time (during and after the grief process) life itself was beautiful. I saw the inherent beauty in life's little things. I cared how my actions and words affected others. I philosophized. I had great deep meaningful conversations with people. I FELT. I KNEW. I was in touch with every part of myself and, I felt, with the whole world. Life seemed very simple. I still struggled with materialism, but I was very poor at the time, and simplicity was good for me. The absence of life's distractions allowed me the time to be at peace.

That version of me isn't around anymore. I am not strong enough to choose simplicity over materialism. I am not disciplined enough to choose meditation over distraction. I no longer feel warm and fuzzy or in touch with the world or anything else like that. I've become cold and calloused and my life revolves around those things which distract me from what is probably truly important. And it's not like I've had to endure all sorts of unfair hardship or abuse or anything, the world didn't make me cold. I don't know what caused it. I don't know why I'm defensive and uncaring. I don't know why I don't want to talk anymore. I get grumpy too easily. I'm easily irritated. (emotionally unstable?) I'm controlling and stingy and not affectionate.

What happened to me?
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