To all mini-van drivers and other slow-ass drivers:
It has come to my attention that certain people drive like fucking morons. In an effort to remedy this situation I will attempt to make it very simple for you. Please find the enclosed New Rules of the Road, authored by yours truly. Please keep in mind that there is more to driving than speed limits and turn signals.
The New Rules of the Road
1. Don't be oblivious!!
This rule is all-encompassing and is implicitly included in the rest of the rules, which I am making up as I go. Since most of you slow-ass drivers are complete idiots, I'll talk to you like you're in the third grade. Oblivious means that you just don't notice anything around you. You're completely absorbed in your own world and you seem to forget that anyone else is even on the road. Example: You're puttering your way up the on-ramp to the freeway at 30 mph, and for some reason, there's a monstrous gap between you and the cars ahead of you. You are oblivious because you don't see me in my car trying my best to crawl up your tailpipe because you won't MOVE YOUR ASS! See rule #2.
2. The on-ramp is for ACCELERATING. STOP BEING SCARED!
When you get to the top of the on-ramp, essentially to the place where you have to merge, and you're going 25 mph, you'll find that you have a large number of cars to contend with, all zooming past you at a dizzying and intimidating speed, like 55 mph. You have to wait for a large enough gap in the nearest lane to allow you to accelerate up to speed. Then, because you were going slow, all the people behind you end up in the same predicament, thus requiring inordinate amounts of time to get a relatively small number of people onto the freeway. Conversely, if you use the on-ramp for what it was intended, specifically ACCELERATION, you'll note that you are dealing with a much smaller number of cars because you're matching speed with them, and you will require a much smaller space to merge onto the freeway. Try it sometime. Get that crate moving. Stop being scared.
3. The left lane is for going fast. 5 mph over the speed limit does not qualify.
Again, this speaks to your oblivious ways. If you're going 65 in a 60 and you're in the leftmost lane, YOU ARE WRONG. MOVE IT OVER. PARTICULARLY if you see me rolling up behind you at 75. I should not have to pass you on the right. If you look to your right and you are being passed, YOU ARE WRONG. MOVE IT OVER. Keep your eye on your rear view mirror and know what's going on around you. Stop being oblivious.
4. Check more than just your blind spot when changing lanes.
Have you ever turned on your signal to change lanes, checked your blind spot, executed the lane change, and then been honked at by the guy behind you? Ever wonder why that is? Let's use another freeway scenario, although this applies to street driving as well. Let's say you're going along at 70 in a 65, in the middle lane like a good little mediocre thoughtless driver. Let's say you are approaching some knucklehead who's going 65. He's in the middle lane too, so technically he's all right. You realize that the left lane is for going fast and passing, so after checking your blind spot, you change lanes to pass this knucklehead. What you didn't realize is that I was a sixteenth of a mile back, comfortably cruising along at 80, and your blockhead ass just pulled out in front of me, requiring me to slow down, even though I'm doing my duty as a citizen of being in the left lane while speeding. Obviously you can see how the principle of not being oblivious applies to this rule. Again, keep your eye on your rear view mirror and know what's going on around you.
5. Pull into the intersection when turning left, dipshit.
Let's move back into street driving. Let's say you're trying to turn left at an intersection. Maybe there's a left turn lane, maybe not. Doesn't matter. Let's say that the light is green (not a green arrow) and you are waiting for a break in oncoming traffic so that you can turn left. PULL OUT INTO THE INTERSECTION. IT'S LEGAL. STOP BEING SCARED. Because when that light turns yellow, it's your obligation to clear the intersection. Thus, you get to complete your left turn on this cycle. If you're just planted like a fucking tree and you sit there and wait for another cycle, you've just decreased the efficiency of the system. Furthermore, if you don't have a dedicated turn lane and traffic is heavy, you may sit through an entire cycle and NEVER GO ANYWHERE. This is NOT how the thing was designed. Even if only one car tuns left per cycle, on the yellow light, at least you're making progress. Just THINK about it.
All you have to do is actively think. Apply some thought. Put yourself in the position of others who may want to go faster than you. You don't know why they're going fast. Chances are they probably just like it, but maybe there's a dying dog or woman in labor in the car, or maybe the guy's got diarrhea. You'll never know WHY he wants to go faster than you, so don't try to question that. Just know that he does, and that it's your obligation to be courteous and allow him that right. You're not a police officer (unless you are) and it's not your duty to enforce traffic laws. MOVE out of the way. Don't be oblivious and stop being scared. What do you do when you drive from point A to point B? Is it simply a matter of transporting cargo/people from one place to another? Because I make time when I drive. I shave minutes off the time it takes most people to complete any drive. So you're not a race car driver. So you don't have anywhere to be. That doesn't mean the guy you're slowing down feels the same way you do. Drive like you're trying to get somewhere.
Now all I need is a way to reach my target market. Is there a mini-van driving community?