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December 1st, 2003

some open letters

Dear EA Games,

Although I have enjoyed playing the one-player mode of Need for Speed Underground, I must register my dissatisfaction with two aspects of online play.

First, while it is a very cool technological achievement to allow both PC players and console players to compete against one another, there is one problem. Cheat patches exist which can be downloaded and installed to a PC, allowing PC players to have an unfair advantage. I am tired of getting beaten by utterly unrealistic margins by some idiot who wants to cheat. Please allow for two separate competition forums next time.

Second, PLEASE ENABLE SUPPORT FOR MY PS2 KEYBOARD. How the fuck am I supposed to be able to chat with anyone when my goddamned keyboard doesn't work? Through the on-screen keyboard where I use the directional buttons on my controller to move the cursor to each letter? I don't think so.

Signed,
me.



Dear HBO,

You scandalous bastards. I hereby command you to exercise your option to pick up Carnivale for the next four seasons, and to get started on production right away. I really don't feel like waiting over a year for the second season. I am ready for more, NOW!

Signed,
me.



Dear KC Chiefs,

You looked pretty good yesterday. Priest looked good running *around* the pack. How about up the middle? Your passing game looked good against San Diego - if by "good" you mean "an adequate substitution for running plays now and then". Hey, all that matters is that you got another under the W column, right? Wrong. Against a team that's 2-10 you can't just win, you have to win DECISIVELY. Winning by "just enough" ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH and WILL NOT GET YOU TO THE SUPER BOWL. Not that you're going to win it anyway.

Don't get me wrong, no one would like to see you in it and win it more than I would, but right now you're playing like a team that might be lucky to win the AFC championship.

Here's hoping you guys are adequately prepared to go to Mile High next weekend.

Signed,
me.



Dear Josh,

Maybe I wouldn't be half dead, always with my eyes closed, barely breathing, looking like I've got brain damage, if you hadn't waited so long to order that next shipment of crickets. Ass. I'm going to report you to the SCCA... I mean, the SPCA.

Signed,
Your Chinese Water Dragon



Dear Josh,

Maybe I wouldn't be half dead, stinking up your basement, if your dumb ass had moved me in out of the cold a little bit sooner.

Signed,
Your Tub of 500 Crickets



Dear Josh,

Maybe I wouldn't be half dead if you hadn't gotten your sleep schedule all fucked up over the weekend and gotten to sleep at 3:45 this morning. Please take a nap at lunch and immediately after work.

Signed,
Your Body



Dear Josh,

*float* *mush* *boing*

Signed,
Your suspension

P.S. I will rock the panties off your granny though!



Dear Idiot Bus Driver,

I FUCKING EXIST AND AM LEGAL!

Signed,
Right on Red



Dear Josh,

I dance to mock and elude you.
Ha, Ha!

Signed,
Sleep



Dear Josh,

In recognition of the fact that you are 27 and theoretically well beyond puberty, we present you with the following:
Ha, Ha!

Signed,
Acne



Dear Josh,

You should be out of the house by now.
Ha, Ha!

Signed,
8:15 AM



Dear Waistline,

Please stop growing. You are betraying my bovine nature.

Signed,
me.



Dear 26 Things 2:

Fuck off.

Signed,
me.



Dear Josh,

There was more, but I have deserted you.

Signed,
Inspiration

oh yeah, I knew there was one more.

Dear Josh,

I'm BACK!

Signed,
The "Ding, fries are done!" song

Dec. 1st, 2003

good lord.

It's 10 AM and I've only just finished reading my e-mail and comments. I haven't even started on my friends page.

And now I have a department meeting. Hooray!



Dear Job,

Why do I bother with you?

Oh yeah, money.

Signed,
me.
Alright fuckers, I'm feeling witty and pretty and bright, so ask me anything. Preferably for advice for your pathetic, sad lives. I'm full of optimism. ASK!
Two more hours till I get to go home and take another nap, and I'm still not through with my friends page yet! I may well make it all the way through the day without having to do any work at all (shocker, I know) (other than that meeting).
Regarding GWB's surprise attack... I mean, visit, to Baghdad - I think that shit was fucking cool as shit.

Plus, consider the 007 factor happening there - how fucking cool would it be to be the president and be all like "Ok, mister best 747 pilot in the world, we gotta land this hulking thing in the dark with no lights in frigging Baghdad bro, can you do it? Sneak me off up in there." All furtive and shit, you know he had a crew of black-suited ninjas surrounding the airport ready to drop ninja-star bombs on any Iraqi fucker who came within 1000 yards of the Big Man. You know GWBush was feeling all sneaky and cool hustling around Baghdad in the darkness. Rock out. That's some shit I would do if I were president.
Oh yeah, Thursday night there was this really cool Harry Connick Jr show on TV where he did totally cool jazzy versions of Christmas songs.

The stand-up bass is possibly the coolest instrument ever.

That's all.
about 345 entries on my friends page since I last checked Wednesday afternoon.
I FEAR CHANGE! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY INBOX BUTTON? HOTMAIL, WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME?!?
nevermind, I figured it out, and now I think it's pretty sweet.
Why some people are stupid enough that they should actually be executed for it.

This would be an example of someone who is so stupid it actually makes me angry.

If you like seeing stupid people do things they think are cool only to have it backfire and cost them thousands of dollars, clicky clicky.

(credits to riceracer from whom I stole this.)
I would just like to point out that Tandra is wonderful and fabulous and intelligent and thoughtful and stimulating and super duper hot and I'm nuts about her.

No reason.