April 6th, 2004

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I've cut out a lot of the miscellaneous worthless distractions from my life lately. I just haven't had the desire to play video games. Other than playing with Miah on Saturday, I haven't played anything in at least a week. That's significant for me.

I have been watching a fair amount of TV, but that's only during times like eating dinner and winding down to go to sleep.

I've been packing up the house and, of course, finding all sorts of interesting stuff in the basement. Everywhere I look I see indications of how much Tandra loves me. Everywhere is something she gave me or something she wrote to me or something that reminds me of a good time we've had. It warms my heart every time I find one. Unfortunately I don't see very many things I've given her or done for her. She's been thoughtful in tiny ways that I haven't been. Makes me want to change that, so I will. :-) I mean, I think of her every minute of every day anyway, why not show it? :-)

(P.S. - Yes, I stole your icon. I like it) :-)
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For a very long time, I don't know how long, I couldn't reach my emotions. I could feel them, I knew they were there, it's not like they didn't exist, develop, all the normal stuff... I just couldn't reach them. I couldn't connect to them very well. I could feel them a little bit, but not as much as a normal person should. I never really thought that much about it except to note it, like, "that's odd." Because, of course, it was almost all logic and not much emotion, so there wasn't much of a feeling of "God I miss feeling my feelings intensely" or "I'm worried/scared about this." I don't know for certain what caused it, but it's not really a great way to live.

Tandra realized it, of course. She said many times that it was like I had no emotions at all, and compared to how intensely she feels everything, I'm sure that's how it seemed. That sucks.

However, suddenly I'm feeling them again, and that's really good. Now that I'm in touch with them again, I realize how much I've missed feeling. I like it. On the down side, it's like someone opened the floodgates and everything is really intense. It's overwhelming and sometimes exhausting. It's also unfortunate that I had to come to this kind of place in my life in order to get them back, but at least they're back. I don't think I'm completely finished adjusting to it, but it's an adjustment I'm happy to make. Even if I have negative feelings, at least I feel them. This is what it is to live, and living a meaningful life is exactly what I'm trying to do. Besides, negative feelings are there for a reason. They are there to be listened to, and listen I shall.

Now I know better. If I ever feel them slipping away again I will know enough to immediately figure out why it's happening and realize that's the wrong path for my life to be on.

This was a difficult thing for me to admit because it means facing the fact that I've been a robot for a while, and I hurt some people close to me by doing that. That sucks.

Last night I went to the bookstore and read part of a book called "What Should I Do With My Life?" I realized that the reason I'm not happy with my career choice is that it makes my brain happy, but not my heart. I'm not passionate about it. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm enthusiastic about. Tandra gave some suggestions, one of which was writing. It immediately got my attention and the more I think about it, the more I think I'd love to write for a living. I'm going to look into it once my life affords me the opportunity to do so. There are higher priorities at the moment, but it gives me something to keep in mind.