April 20th, 2004

(no subject)

I'm selling my car stereo.

I have two Rockford Fosgate Punch XLC 12" subwoofers, mounted in a sturdy, carpeted prefab box. Also mounted to the box and ready to go is a Rockford Fosgate Punch 360 amp. I'm the original owner of this stuff, I bought it at Advance Audio and I have all the paperwork that comes with it including the official wattage rating of the amp. This stuff has been very well maintained and works perfectly. I'll also throw in a semi-working Kenwood Excelon CD player. If your suspension is soft, it will work perfectly, but if it's stiff, the cd player might skip. I'll sell the box, amp and subs ($450 new) for $200, and I'll throw in the cd player ($250 new) for an additional $50. That's a whole car system for $250. Hell of a deal. Let me know. Thanks.

(no subject)

I really hate payday.

I also really hate bouncing three checks the night before payday.

Fortunately I have the means to acquire some small amount of cash to at least scrape by (not enough to pay the bills) later this week. Yay, brokeness!

I suppose I really ought to look at the bright side though. I was able to secure an item today which shall remain a secret for the next month, an item I wasn't certain I'd be able to procure. This item will be used to brown much nose with the S.O.... er, I mean, it's a birthday present. So, good times there.

Yeah, I bought that instead of paying bills! Order of importance. Gotta have your priorities straight.
  • Current Music
    haven't bothered to turn anything on yet

choices, #3

During this time of change, I've become acutely aware of my mental and emotional states and my moods, and how they are influenced by external stimuli. Specifically that my moods can be extremely susceptible to outside influences, more than they should be. Now I realize that it would be quite unhealthy for me not to react emotionally to anything, but I should be able to reach inside myself and draw strength and stability when necessary. I should have the strength to hold myself up when things are looking bad, and I should be stable enough that little things don't send me into a mood spiral. Therefore:
  1. I choose to learn how to draw emotional and mental stability and strength from within.
This one I'm confident I can accomplish because it has already begun.

I took Xandria to lunch today. I just absolutely adore that little girl. She is so cute and animated and fun. Just like her momma. And she has got the cutest, biggest brown eyes you've ever seen, and her little four-year-old lisp gives you a big wide grin whether you want it to or not. I enjoyed that quite a bit. Hope the root beer doesn't give her too much of a sugar rush. :-)

(no subject)


I just got a phone call. Evidently I entered a drawing at some point in the past where the winner gets one window installed into their house absolutely free, and I WON!!!
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

fucking shit.

if there were a self-destruct button, i would not be able to control the impulse to push it, no matter how bad an idea i knew it was.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated


More good progress.

Months ago, Tandra worked at a health food store. She made me a remedy out of floral and herbal essences. It's a concentrated concoction (I affectionately call it my magic potion) that lives in a small glass jar that has an eyedropper. You can drop a couple drops into your bath or, like I do, drop a few drops under your tongue once a day and hold them there for 20 seconds or so. You add different essences to achieve different desired results (health, stress release, adjustment to change, stubbornness, etc).

I started taking it seriously a few weeks ago. I would come home from work, drop it under my tongue and sit there for a few seconds, and then go on about my day.

A week or so ago I decided to help it out a little bit. Instead of just fitting it into my day, I took a pause from my day. I sat in the dark for ten minutes and focused on releasing my stress from the day, visualized positive outcomes of stressful situations in my life, achieving the kinds of mental changes I'm trying to achieve, and achieving the kinds of changes that my particular magic potion is designed to elicit. Then at the end of the ten minutes I took the drops, focused on them doing their job as my body absorbed them, relaxed for another minute, and then went on about my day. This, I felt, was a very good idea.

Tonight I took it a step further. As you can probably tell from my previous post, I had a rather stressful afternoon. Hanging out with Miah and playing video games was a decent distraction, but very superficial. It paid no attention to the source of my stress, made no attempt to handle my problems. It's like cold medicine - it only treats the symptoms, not the problem.

So tonight I got home and as I said, decided to take it a step further. I turned off the lights, lit some incense, turned on some meditative music, sat cross-legged on the bed and closed my eyes. I started by just breathing and focusing on my breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Then I began to imagine a white energy coming into my body through the tips of my toes. With every breath in, more of the white healing energy came into my toes and with every exhalation, stress and tension was pushed out the top of my head. I didn't rush it, I sort of let my mind and my body tell me how quickly I was progressing. It took a while, but eventually I got up to my ankles, my calves, my knees, my torso, my fingers, hands, elbows, shoulders, and finally I took some deep breaths and pushed that tension right out the top of my head, imagining the healing energy filling up my entire body.

By this point I had established a slow, rhythmic breathing pattern. I mentally collected a list of affirmations and without changing the rhythm of my breathing, every time I exhaled I spoke them aloud. I repeated them as many times as I felt necessary, more times for the ones I felt were more important. Things like "I am strong enough", "I will practice mental strength", "I will look at things from other people's point of view", "I will not be self-centered, I will be selfless", etc. Each one I repeated at least five times, some of them ten or fifteen. I will take my list of choices and make them into affirmations for this.

When I felt I was finished, I then started thinking about the effect that my magic potion is supposed to have. I took the drops and continued to focus on the changes I want to make in myself.

I won't say that I achieved some altered state, some higher plane of consciousness, but I did get a couple bits of spiritual clarity (hi aisling!), and I can definitely say that I haven't felt this close to my own spirituality in a very long time, years. Maybe six years. This is definitely something I feel can elicit great change in a relatively short amount of time, and something I want to do every day.

I don't know where I got it. I didn't read it anywhere, or else I did and it's just a conglomeration of meditative techniques I've picked up from many different somewheres. I don't know if what I was doing can technically be called "meditation" or what it was. But I am of the opinion that regardless of your religion, whether you pray or meditate or practice magick, it's all kind of the same thing, and so that's what I was doing. I was talking to myself, my subconscious, and talking to the spirits in the air, asking for whatever help exists outside of myself. If all that means is finding untapped strength from within myself, that's okay too.

Comments and feedback encouraged.
  • Current Music
    Tangerine Dream