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April 27th, 2004

I am still alive. I am marginally functional. I am not ready to talk about it but things are horrible, awful, terrible, really bad.

No one is dead. Just some awful things happened, and I am to blame. If you have ever felt so much guilt that it feels like an unbearable weight on your shoulders dragging you to the ground; if you have ever lived with absolutely no respect for yourself; if you have ever done something terrible to someone you loved more than life and only wished to care for and protect, then you might have an idea what I feel like.

When I said it was the worst night of my life, I wasn't exaggerating. And I've had some pretty bad nights.

Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you


(the song I'm listening to is good too, just not quite as appropriate for the moment)

choices, #4

  1. I choose to learn to think realistically in order to help dissolve frustrations and anxiety that come from false hopes and trying to control that which I cannot control.