August 26th, 2006

(no subject)

My head hurts, I'm exhausted, and people are coming from out of town tomorrow and I need some rest, so this won't be much of a post.

I am totally and completely blown away by this. Our friend pobbly was so affected by what's going on with Tandra that he actually took the day off work to write and record a song for her. It is so touching. Please check it out. I will play this at her funeral.

Tandra's confusion and dementia is getting worse, or at least not getting better. I feel that it's not the medication. She's exhibiting weird obsessive behaviors in addition to lots of other general weirdness. It's really tough to keep up with her because she keeps insisting on doing things she can't do.

I finally let her make me a dessert out of the food people have brought by. A sugar cookie broken into thirds, pie-piece style, with a piece of carrot cake in the middle, and regular and peanut M&Ms sprinkled on top. It's so sweet, but so sad, because it's a little nutty.

I think the dementia is something she's fighting. She was lucid and clear most of today, but as evening came on and especially after getting her evening meds, she just kind of lost track of everything. Once that happens it's a relief when she falls asleep.

We've been discussing hospice options and what to do when we leave here, which I guess is supposed to happen on Tuesday or Wednesday. My lovely insurance is going to pony up a massive $1500 for hospice care, which ought to cover us for a good week, week and a half. Wonderful. We've been talking about bringing her home, but I can hardly keep up with her here, and this is nothing. Her mom and I tonight talked about finding her a hospice hosptial instead.

It fucking tears my heart out to think that she might never get to come home again. On the other hand, she did say today, "I don't want to die in that apartment." Granted, when I asked her what she had in mind, her description was not remotely like a hospice hospital, but I have to consider the level of support I have in place. I don't think I have six full time people to help me care for her at home. During the day when she's clear she won't be happy to be at a hospice hospital, but I fear her moments of clarity will be fewer and shorter as the days pass. Maybe once she's free of that body and her mind is clear again, she'll understand and forgive me.

The time we have left with her is going to be gone in a flash. It's going to go by so fast. Things have been so busy, and the busier they are, the faster they pass. I hate it. Once she's gone and the funeral is done, that's when it's really going to feel silent and empty and that's when I'm going to utterly fall apart. I'm scared of that pain. I'm scared that there are so many things in life I'll never be able to experience again without being reminded of her, so much that just living life is going to be agonizing. I don't want to go through that. I just don't want her to go.

(no subject)

Ugh, this sucks really hard. Tandra was asleep for a bit and was then awakened for her breathing treatment. That was an hour ago. She's wide awake, and completely paranoid schizophrenic. She is babbling making no sense, trying to get out of bed, and every time I try to get firm with her or tell her what's going on she gets REAL mad at me. Her mom is trying to talk to her and go along with whatever dream world she's in. This is fucking horrible. I hope she's sane again tomorrow. And I need sleep.

Shit.