Today I feel like there's some part of me inside that's being stifled, that's closed up in a box which the rest of me is sitting on. Today is the day where that part of me throws such a fit from inside that box that the responsible part of me feels like he's about to fall off the box and let the rest of me out. And I know what part of me is in the box. It's the part I put away in 1996 when I realized I had to grow up. It's the part of me that knows it's not fair to have to give away 40 hours a week for 40 years doing something that's largely unfulfilling just to try to scrape by, only in the end to look back and wonder what the hell I did with my life.
It's not fair for me to feel that way. I make more in a day than people in some countries make in a month. I own a home and two cars and support 2 kids and have a good wife and I have hobbies and the ability to explore my creative side (what there is of it), at least to an extent. But days like today I just don't give a shit about that stuff. I'm tired of things being like this. This is why visiting Kansas City makes me want to move so badly - I'm just fucking sick of the routine. I'm so tired of never being able to make all the bills. I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead. I'm tired of knowing there's so much out there in the world that I can't experience. Is this what life is meant to be? One big long sacrifice? Always me giving myself up in order to do the right thing, the responsible thing? I'm fucking tired of responsibility. I'm tired of life being so expensive. Is it wrong for me to be willing to give up quality of life in order to experience less responsibility? Obviously it's socially unacceptable, but if I were to pursue that life, I wouldn't give a shit about that, would I.
This is just all more than I want to deal with right now.
Today I have lunch with Tim. This is a big deal. I'll explain the significance of it later, if I get around to it. I've been meaning to make the Tim post for a month or so now, since well before I knew I was going to have lunch with him, but I got busy at work. I tried to start it today, but it just wasn't what wanted to come out of me today. Maybe later.