I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy (busychild424) wrote,
I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy

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It's days like today that make me seriously think about changing my life in a big way. Not think about like "I'm going to do this", but think about like "gee, what would that be like?". Days like today make me wonder what it would be like to be a hobo, jumping trains and seeing the country. What it would be like to live in a van and sit in the library and read all day, studying things I am interested in. Or maybe work some crap job just enough to support my photography habit. Or maybe there's some career path out there I'm not investigating that would pay me so much more than I make now that I could afford to support myself and my family. Weird, isn't it, that my thoughts go to either of the two extremes? Is it possible that life could be better being completely broke than it is for me now, struggling to maintain a middle-class lifestyle? At the age of 19, it's understandable to live a lifestyle completely free of responsibility, but what about the age of 27? What would I even do with all that freedom? I know I could find something, but would I be content? Without my Playstation and my internet access and my house and my nice car that all make me feel like a successful person?

Today I feel like there's some part of me inside that's being stifled, that's closed up in a box which the rest of me is sitting on. Today is the day where that part of me throws such a fit from inside that box that the responsible part of me feels like he's about to fall off the box and let the rest of me out. And I know what part of me is in the box. It's the part I put away in 1996 when I realized I had to grow up. It's the part of me that knows it's not fair to have to give away 40 hours a week for 40 years doing something that's largely unfulfilling just to try to scrape by, only in the end to look back and wonder what the hell I did with my life.

It's not fair for me to feel that way. I make more in a day than people in some countries make in a month. I own a home and two cars and support 2 kids and have a good wife and I have hobbies and the ability to explore my creative side (what there is of it), at least to an extent. But days like today I just don't give a shit about that stuff. I'm tired of things being like this. This is why visiting Kansas City makes me want to move so badly - I'm just fucking sick of the routine. I'm so tired of never being able to make all the bills. I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead. I'm tired of knowing there's so much out there in the world that I can't experience. Is this what life is meant to be? One big long sacrifice? Always me giving myself up in order to do the right thing, the responsible thing? I'm fucking tired of responsibility. I'm tired of life being so expensive. Is it wrong for me to be willing to give up quality of life in order to experience less responsibility? Obviously it's socially unacceptable, but if I were to pursue that life, I wouldn't give a shit about that, would I.

This is just all more than I want to deal with right now.
Today I have lunch with Tim. This is a big deal. I'll explain the significance of it later, if I get around to it. I've been meaning to make the Tim post for a month or so now, since well before I knew I was going to have lunch with him, but I got busy at work. I tried to start it today, but it just wasn't what wanted to come out of me today. Maybe later.
Tags: dissatisfaction, money
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