But then this is all in my imagination. I open my eyes and look around me, and I have no one to share this with. That's like a metaphor for my emotional love life as well. I want someone to please, someone to love, someone to share myself with. Someone to be thoughtful for. Someone who will be genuinely excited about those little things. Small surprises now and then to let her know how I feel. Someone who will tolerate how overly affectionate I am. But when I look around me, I see no one. No potentials. I've been in long relationships before, but no matter how I rack my brain I can't figure out how I got into them. I don't know how to get into another one. Why isn't there a formula? Am I looking in the wrong places? Maybe I'm emitting the "single and looking" pheremone, commonly known to cause confusion in males and mask potential female mates from view. All I need is a chance to show someone what I have to offer, and I'd be in. If it were common knowledge what a good guy I am, girls would be fighting over me. That sounds incredibly conceited until you think about it: It's not all that difficult to hold yourself well above the competition when 85% of the competition consists of idiots and assholes. Everybody knows most guys are assholes, and by being a decent human being I automatically rise above them. By having goals and ambitions I assure some reasonable sort of financial security. By having this incredible capacity to love, I assure emotional security. That alone is more than a lot of guys offer. How do I advertise this without appearing ridiculously conceited? Without sounding like a salesman? Maybe I am conceited. At what point does confidence become conceit? Maybe the key is not to advertise at all. Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe instead of analyzing it to death, I should just look for happiness.
Even without a relationship at this point, I could really use some good sex. Someone adventurous to play with and learn from. Not just "take off your clothes and do it" sex... something more exciting and dangerous. Of course, it's a lot more difficult to walk up to someone and say "Say, would you like to go have sex" than it is to say "Hey, let's go out sometime." Why can't I just not give a shit? I mean, genuinely. The "I don't give a shit" pheremone is an incredibly powerful attractor.
It's almost inconvenient that the best and most fulfilling sex is sex with someone you truly love. Someone you can really be comfortable with, someone with whom you feel no insecurity at all. Looking at it from a sexual perspective, the tedious process of establishing a relationship first is inconvenient. On the other hand, looking at it from an emotional perspective, the sex is just a side benefit, a way to consummate the wonderful relationship you've built with this fantastic, intriguing, enthralling person.
I'm such a confused boy.