If I ditch out on all the obligations I've signed up for, if I go back on promises I made, if I do those things in the name of making myself happy again, does that make me a selfish asshole for leaving other people out in the cold?
This always happens when I run out of meds. I hate it here today. This drab, lifeless cubicle with my paperwork and code-writing and e-mails and obligations and voice mail and meetings and bosses and politics and bullshit! I want something else!
But why don't I feel this way most of the time? Most days I'm able to tolerate being here because all in all my job really isn't too bad and because I need to make money to pay the bills. But I'm trapped. I'm obligated. If I quit (or lose) my job and money stops coming in, I lose most of my life. My house, one of my cars, everything goes away and I'm fucked. I don't like being in that position, at least not today. I need more freedom and flexibility in my life. I have virtually none of that right now.
And in the middle of feeling this way, I'm supposed to have the motivation to enroll for school. To choose which classes I'm taking this fall; to decide which nights of my week will be unavailable to me; to voluntarily use up my weekends with homework. Yeah, that sounds great. Exciting.
Tandra says I shouldn't go if I don't want to; you only have one life, why be unhappy with it? But I'm still stuck in that "gotta do what I'm supposed to do and be responsible" frame of mind and I don't know how to get out of it. I'm not even convinced that I *want* to get out of it, that it would even be a good idea to do that.
Money gives you power and respect and acting responsibly and predictably and being a type A personality and busting your ass every hour of every day is how you get money in this country. I wonder if other cultures in the world are different; if there is more of an appreciation for taking time to enjoy life outside of work and money and all this crap that I'm so irritated about at the moment.
Maybe I've just got a case of the Mondays. (I know it's Tuesday but I was off work Friday and yesterday.)