I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy (busychild424) wrote,
I got the pulsatin' rhythmical remedy
busychild424

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My last relationship was psychologically draining, and not quite healthy. Sure, we had a lot of fun, but it was all on the surface. We had good times but when I went home to bed I was left emotionally empty; unfulfilled. Her heart was cold; I felt no love emanating from her. She genuinely wanted to love me, I believe that, but she's not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. She went through the motions hoping that the feelings would follow. I don't think she realizes it's supposed to work the other way around. She's too proud to get the therapy she needs, but without it she's never going to be able to be with anyone. After the way she treated me, I thought no one would want to tolerate my irritating habits. She made me feel selfish and inconsiderate, which is tremendously far from the truth. She made me feel as though I wasn't good enough or willing to give enough of myself. Nothing I gave was ever good enough. I gave more of myself than I ever should have; I sacrificed more than a person should have to, and only once in six months was she ever anything more than merely tolerant. Something she said in our final conversation sums it up perfectly: "You can't help it, you're just a boy." She was possessive, insecure, controlling, needy, and emotionally immature. She was content as long as she felt she was in full control, but let that control slip just a bit and she couldn't handle it. She would use any type of emotional blackmail or intimidation she thought would be effective. Usually it started with bitching, and if I stood up to her it would go on to the crying, self-pitying stage. "I don't make you happy because I'm fucked up, I'm damaged goods, no one will ever want me." It's sad that she's right.

Once we were watching the Newlywed Game on the Game Show Network. The question to the women was, "My husband is the ______est person I've ever met." She said that her answer about me would have been that I was the most conceited person she'd ever met. It took me a long time to realize that the problem wasn't me.

I had come to the conclusion that I just must not be ready for a relationship at this point. She made me believe that I was too selfish to have another person in my life. So I settled into a routine. I felt somewhat lonely, but at the same time very liberated. I was basking in the freedom of being without her, but always in the back of my mind was that nagging reminder: 'You're alone.'

Once in a while, life opens a door for you that you didn't even know was there. Life offers you, for just an instant, an opportunity, and you have to decide whether or not to take it. And you have to decide quickly. A week and a half ago I was at the grocery store and I happened to glance in the right direction, and a door I'd never noticed before was cracked open. The light and color coming through that crack were so brilliant and beautiful that I took a chance, and I raced through that door with no regard for what I might be leaving behind.

When I went through that door, my senses were overwhelmed with beauty. Brilliant swirling colors, soothing angelic music, wonderful aromas, a feeling like sunlight. I looked around in amazement and almost didn't notice that this strange and awesome place had no ground. I was falling through this ocean of splendor with nothing to hold to. And I probably wouldn't have tried to stop myself if I'd had the opportunity. I feel as though I'm swimming through the sky in Van Gogh's Notte Stellata.

She occasionally refers to herself as "that tattooed freaky girl". I call her Spike, or Shorty. We've spent time together every chance we've gotten. She's as smitten as I am. My best friend told me that we're like two sixteen-year-olds in puppy love.

I'm in that beautiful place, that dream sky, but there's still the sensation of falling. Despite all the magnificence around me, it's still very scary. I hope that when I land, I don't hit too hard.
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