I feel like my life is a hazy dream where everything is confusing and complicated, but right now I feel awake from that dream. I feel like everything is simple and clear and easy. Don't misunderstand - I don't feel particularly happy and carefree at the moment. No, this is more of a thoughtful, introspective mood. I feel distanced from my current life, and I'm having these flashes, these faint traces of memories from simpler times in my life. I'm having quick twinges, almost deja vu type feelings, from when I lived in the Shirkmere, or when I lived with my parents when I was 19, just enjoying my life and not having any responsibilities. Sure, I had stresses at the time, mostly of the same variety as I do now, but thinking back on it, those aren't what my memories are of.
Tonight is one of those nights. One of those nights that I will remember in a year or maybe even five years. Tonight is one of those rare nights where I don't feel like a part of my computer or my TV or my Playstation or my phone. Tonight I feel like a part of the wind and the sky and the moon. Tonight it smells like springtime outside and I feel a part of it. I am awake.
Unfortunately this is fleeting. Tomorrow morning I will wake up at the usual time, take my usual route to my usual job, practice my usual amount of procrastination and get the usual amount of work done. No trace of this feeling will be left.
I turned off all the lights in the house, even the porch light, and I stepped outside in my pajama pants and big-ass baggy comfy t-shirt. It was just a little bit cold for my bare arms, so I pulled them inside my sleeves and wrapped them around myself. I sat on the porch and looked up at the bamboo wind chime. It wasn't making any noise, but it was swaying gently in the slight whisper of a breeze. Beyond it, through bare tree branches, the clouds floated slowly, occasionally letting some midnight blue sky show through. I strolled out into the yard and gave my senses a stretch. My house shoes made quiet crunchy noises as I stepped on old dead leaves from last autumn. A siren echoed in the distance. I heard the intermittent song of a train whistle as it passed through our town, and I wondered where it was coming from, where it was going, and who was on board. I heard the hiss of tires on the freeway coming from two different directions and the thump-thump as cars crossed seams in the road. The street light had a bright area underneath it, and in my yard it cast shadows of trees onto the nighttime ground. Fingertips of wind lightly brushed my face and played with my hair. It felt peaceful and completely quiet.
I decided to write this all down before I forgot about it. My bedroom is quiet too. My box fan is humming and the window a/c is quietly clattering. These sounds are very comforting to me. But my computer is whining and I'm feeling more a part of it and less a part of the world, so I'm going to carefully choose a good book, lay down in bed with it, and read myself to sleep.