By the way, for those of you who haven't seen or read Girl, Interrupted, contrary to popular belief, ambivalent does not mean listless or without direction, motivation, opinion, or anything like that. Ambivalent means "of two minds."
Main Entry: am·biv·a·lenceSo. Why am I feeling ambivalent?
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow
Well, there's the usual Monday feeling, career sucking my life force away, yadda yadda. The hours I spend at work inherently lack human value, and my awareness of that increases inversely to the number of hours I have left to spend on this earth. (Thanks to poetryslam for a post that sent my thought train down this track - I'm almost quoting you here bro.)
But I'm not feeling nearly as bad a "case of the Mondays" as I have been known to suffer on some occasions.. This is the cause of my ambivalence - today I have a more than equal and opposite feeling of interest in the world, curiosity, a tiny spark of passion for life for the sake of life. Today I want to investigate, to explore, to experience, to learn, to observe, to feel, to be heard, to make a ripple, to live.
Obviously this idealistic existence is frustrated by the realities of life, so here I sit on this beautiful spring day, in my maze, trying to get the cheese with which to "survive". Of course, survival is relative, subjective, but in order to keep the things I want in my life there is a certain standard of living which I must achieve. This standard requires more work, or work at a higher level, than what some other people's definitions of "survival" might require. Most of the time I think people who are in situations where they have that luxury don't realize the luxury aspect of it, the good side. Of course one is going to be broke, and that's probably no way to spend one's entire life, but as a respite, as downtime, or even as a chapter of one's life, it is in my opinion a worthwhile experience, just to gain a different perspective. There is a different kind of freedom that comes with a simplified lifestyle, a freedom that no amount of money can emulate.
I'm digressing horribly though. I mean to be discussing how I feel today. Today I feel swept up by the cultural currents of life. I want to learn, to absorb, to peek into someone else's head. I want to sit outside and read a book. I want to see graffiti, photography, poetry, life.
So while I'm stuck here, this computer is my window, my portal out of this dreary office into the rest of the world. This is where I do most of my cultural breathing. I inhale peoples LJ writings, photoblogs, and anything else interesting I can find. I smell it, I taste it, I experience it. And once in a while I exhale something back out, usually an LJ entry. And the more input I get, the more I produce. So this craving isn't solely a craving for input - it's a craving for input plus output - a craving for participation in the world.
This computer is a puzzling thing - it allows me to create connections and discover things that would otherwise be impossible to me, but at the same time there is this level of disconnectedness that exists. There is this kind of distance in human relations that I have grown comfortable with, but I don't want that anymore. So I want to limit using the computer for interaction; I want to do it only in moderation. This is why I wanted to cut back on LJ and computer time - I want to get rid of that distance I hold between myself and others. I want to erase that line of disconnectedness. I want to experience life all the way through me. I don't want life to get to my brain, get processed, and then just stop. I want it to go right to my heart, even if it hurts sometimes. I want to experience life fully.