I've always had clinical depression. Most of the time I take my 300mg of Wellbutrin a day, and it keeps the depression at bay, and I am a normal functioning person. Very good.
But I have felt my depression building over the last couple weeks, and over the last couple days, it has broken through the protection provided by my antidepressant. I've not been sleeping well - I'm sleepy all day and wide awake at night. I'm unproductive at work - I just screw around instead of working. I have a real hard time motivating myself to do anything I don't really enjoy. A REAL hard time. These are all symptoms I experience if I go without my medication for a while, and all symptoms I experienced when I was younger before I was diagnosed and before I was on an effective medication. All I really want to do is play video games, screw around on the computer, that sort of thing. I've had to offload the ever-growing task of plowing through insurance paperwork and medical bills to my dad and have asked him to provide me with a condensed simple list of who I owe and how much, because I can't deal with anything more than that. I just put it off and avoid it and it doesn't get done. I still need to get paperwork together for Tandra's Social Security Disability application and I just keep forgetting, and that's a really important thing I need to do.
Yesterday I started feeling angry. I haven't felt angry about this yet but I was angry yesterday. Not just "I was mad for a while", but a real deep anger. I kept thinking about getting into a fight or something. I even thought about working out and getting strong so I could really kick someone's ass. This is REALLY unlike me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - if this is part of loving Tandra, then bring it on - but I'm angry that she has to go through this. It's not fair. She's too young. It's just not right.
She's pretty amazing - last night I was the one falling apart and losing it and she was the one being strong and comforting me. It's been that way consistently. I feel like it should be the other way around but I sure am glad she's able to comfort me like that. It really helps.
I got some better sleep last night and have been doing better today. Tomorrow I'm going to try to force myself to make a few phone calls and get a couple appointments with a counselor and a psychiatrist. I can't really take more than 300mg of Wellbutrin in a day, but I bet there's another antidepressant I can take to temporarily supplement it and bring my depression resistance back up above the level of depression I'm experiencing and get myself functional and productive again.
Right now my biggest problem is that I have work deadlines tomorrow and Friday, and I'm stuck, and keep putting it off. That's not good at all.
I feel nauseous.